Saturday, January 12, 2013

0. Kevin's Journal

I found a lot of weird things in Kevin’s house on New Year’s Eve, but the thing that topped it off the most for me was his journal, which I found in his room. Beside it was a suitcase with some drawings and other things, but the journal was the most important to me. I took it home and read the entire thing. I decided that, in order to get everyone to trust me completely after the things I did in the first half of 2012, I should share the contents of the journal online. Between each entry I wanted to shed some light on what this meant to me, and I hope you will all get something out of this as I did.

“September 27, 2010: I think it’s time I started writing about what’s been happening to me. It’s been a few weeks since this started. On the morning of September 13th, I left for school. It was already starting to get cold outside, so I guess that’s why it was so dark at 6 in the morning. I felt weird… like there was something off about the area I was in, or something around me. Naturally, in a moment of paranoia, I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was following me. I’m sure you can imagine my surprise when, despite what I expected to see, I saw that I was being followed. I can’t, in any way, describe what it was. All I could get from looking at it at that moment was that, it was tall. Its arms and legs were really long… There was just something really sickening about it, I can’t even explain it. I went to school and tried to forget about it, but like now, I can’t get it out of my head. I’m scared.”

This first journal entry confused me. I almost had to do a double-take at the date, but apparently Kevin was a survivor too, like we were. Something tells me that, while he only started seeing it in 2010, it’s probably followed him since he was young.

“December 1, 2010: I saw it again. I almost couldn’t believe it. I was coming back from Ben’s house (he invited me over to talk about a dream that he had) and I passed by the Creek. I live really close to the place, so I thought that, if I cut through the middle of it, I’d get home before it got dark. I’ve always been a little creeped out by the Creek, but more so than before, because of the encounter I had in September. Though recently, I had just gotten over what happened then, and I was feeling confident enough to go in. And I did. The first half of the trip through the Creek was really “relaxing”; Since I knew every path and turn in the place, I kind of strolled slowly through the place. The weather was nice, the wind was low, and there were no creepy feelings. Everything changed kind of quickly. I was walking down this long path. There were really high wheat-stalks growing on both sides of the path, so there were honestly only two directions that I could go: Forward and back. The rest of the possible “escape” directions were blocked off by the miles of wheat that were to thick to take even a step through. It’s because of this that, when I saw it again, I ran in the opposite direction of where I was going. I woke up in my bed the next morning, at about 5 AM. My shirt had blood on it, and I’m guessing it was mine. I’m afraid to leave home. I’m scared to sleep. I’m horrified to look behind me. Even as I sit here writing this, I’m afraid to turn to face the closet door opposite my room. I have to know – What is this thing?”

So apparently Kevin knew about the Creek back before I even moved back to New York. His feelings around that thing almost perfectly mirrored mine; when I first saw it, back when Erik was taken, this is exactly how I had felt.  I became so paranoid, I couldn’t look over my shoulder without the fear taking over. Losing memory, all of it, was just a part of what made it more frightening. When I started recording everything on tapes, it was much scarier to watch the events I couldn’t recall unfold.

“June 12th, 2010: Things were going well throughout this entire school year. It took me months to forget about what happened at the Creek. Matter of fact, I had even convinced myself for a while that it was a dream. But no. It turns out that it was a nightmare that I was living. I saw it again today. Across the street. At the little playground. It wasn’t looking for me, for once. It was looking around at all the kids, hiding behind a few of the trees in the park. It blended with the trees so well, I had no idea how I was ever able to see it. It simply stood there, expressionless and still, looking at the kids playing. I felt sick. I still feel sick. Why won’t it just leave them alone?”

I’ve known for a while that the thing wasn’t interested in one person alone. I knew that it was something many people had claimed to see, and I knew that it watched children. That’s why it went after Erik. I feel like (even though I could never prove it) it had been watching Erik a long time before it took him. It never had any interest in me. Why it does now, I don’t know. But I have an idea as to why anyways, thanks to Idolon. I’ll get into that later.

“August 21st, 2011: I realize it’s been over a year since I’ve written anything. Everything is fine. I was getting extremely paranoid, to the point where I couldn’t even look out of my window without seeing that thing. I saw it on the way to and from school, in school, at Ben’s house, in my house, in my room… It almost reached the point where I felt like locking all of my doors and staying holed up in my room, waiting for the thoughts, the nightmares… everything… to pass. After a year of hanging out with Ben and Beth, focusing on schoolwork, and taking the medication that my doctor prescribed to me a few weeks into July of 2010, I finally got over it. School ended quickly enough his year, and the summer has been great. I met this guy, Stan, on the last day of school. I introduced him and his girlfriend Susan to Ben. He’s a cool guy. He says he’s putting some kind of movie together, and wanted our help in it. I’m not going to lie, I’m not excited to make a movie, but he seems nice, and he seems passionate about the project. We’ll see where it goes. He says he wants to make a whole “behind-the-scenes feature” for it, and would probably make a YouTube for it in January. Perfect; A place to see me fuck up lines and such. Anyways… I don’t think that this journal is necessary anymore. I do enjoy writing for the sake of recording my life, but since I’m not having anymore weird experiences, I don’t see any need to keep doing this. Everything is fine, and I’d much rather stop doing this if I don’t need to."

This was when I first came back to New York. I met Kevin at the playground near the park with the Green tower. Now that I think of it, it was likely the playground Kevin described in his last journal entry. The movie was, while something that Connor considered a way to get to Loretta later on, something that I was actually serious about. I was really looking to create a film because, well, I was always into that. It was only when I started the update videos that I started to forget about the movie and focus my sick intentions on Loretta and the lie I was spinning.

"March 9, 2012: Stan is seeing it too. I never would have believed it until I saw the video he posted this morning. I tried to ask him more, but he wouldn't tell me much. I think that Loretta girl is in serious trouble. I don't know if I can tell Stan about what I know. Maybe he won't trust me… Either way, he seems to be going on with the movie. I got a call from him when the police showed up at his house. The cops here didn’t do shit, and now that I think of it, I remember why I never went to them about any of this two years ago; They don’t do shit. I’m scared for Stan. And Loretta. And, while I’m at it, Ben and Beth. If my friends are being dragged into this because of me, I’ll never be able to forgive myself."

I felt awful for Kevin. He thought that he was the reason it was after us, but if anything, we’re the reason that the thing made its way back to him.

"March 27, 2012: It found me again. Stan and I went out to film a scene for his movie, and it showed up. I ran. I wasn't thinking, all I wanted to do was get away. All those nights in my room, seeing shadows and  figures through my windows… All I could think of was to escape.  I ran straight home, locked the doors and windows, and went to sleep. My mom is worried, but I can’t say anything to her; She’ll just take me to my fucking useless psychiatrist again, who will ask me questions about my childhood, my dreams, and then give me a little piece of paper with more medicine recommendations (even though what I’ve currently been taking is working fine). Then he’ll pat me on the head and send me off. I don’t want that. I want answers, and I want my friends to be safe. Until I know for sure it’s not me causing this, I can’t make any contact with Stan, Ben, anybody. I’ll keep an eye on Stan’s videos to see if anything else happens, and if I know for sure that it’s just out to get him, I’ll come and help. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I feel like I have no choice.”

This was the day of my sixth update video, when Kevin ran away after we encountered it. I hadn’t seen him in months after that, and I had wondered if he would be alright. The next few journal entries at least fill in a little bit of information for me.

"May 28, 2012: Loretta is gone. Stan put up a video on Susan’s birthday, and I think that Ben was attacked. I feel like I should say something, because it’s clear that I’m not the reason that it’s still around. Stan must have some kind of connection to it like I have. He’s in a state of grievance, so I’d rather not interfere with him right now. I’m not sure what I’d be able to do to help, anyways… Besides all of that, Stan's videos became much stranger, pretty fast. On top of the fucking walking nightmare, there's a guy that's been leaving him messages, both inside and outside of his house. He has a YouTube account where he leaves Stan these… weird… sick videos. I don’t know what it is about these videos, but they’re fucking unnerving. The channel name is called “WeMustCollect”…   What’s more, recently, Stan put up a video where he meets this kid, Connor. I'm almost certain that this guy is who's been leaving Stan these messages. Though, I don't know; Stan himself seems to be slipping a little bit. I was in the neighborhood the day Stan met with Connor, and I followed Connor after they departed, to this... cellar. This place is just outside of town. Although I still trust Stan, I have an idea just to make sure: I'm going to give Stan the address so that he can find out a bit more about "WeMustCollect"'s hiding place, and while he's out, I'm going to go to Stan's house and see if I can find anything out of the ordinary. Hopefully I won't, because I want to trust Stan, but I can't until I know I'm sure."

So apparently Kevin suspected something was up with me. This was written between my fifteenth and sixteenth update videos, when I met up with and spoke to Connor on tape to make something believable. I didn’t even see Kevin that day, but apparently he was suspicious enough to set me up. I was wondering, back during the time of my sixteenth update video, how Kevin knew where Connor was, and I guess now I have the answer: He followed him. At least that makes sense.

"June 6, 2012: I'm back from Stan's house. I’m a little worried about what I found. His room is plastered with images and strange pictures, some stills from certain videos, some miscellaneous images. I noticed the Stirling City fire photo from the ‘80s, but everything else was different. The pictures ranged from time periods around the 1930s to present day, and some look like video stills, too. Stan seems to have done a bit more research than me. That makes me more confident to talk to him about all of this, but the other thing I found makes me less so. Stan’s school ID card was on his desk, and something really bothers me about it. Stan’s face is obviously identifiable as the image, but the name that accompanies it is different. It's another name. So unless Stan has a surname that happens to be [REMOVED], he hasn't been entirely truthful with me or Ben. I'm not sure what this could mean, but until we know for sure, I called Ben and told him not to let Stan into his house until we know that he could be trusted, even if Susan is with him. I took the ID card, because I doubt he’d notice. Based on Stan's new video from his trip to the cellar, I still think I can trust him. But to what length? One last thing: Before I left Stan’s house, I heard a noise. I looked out of his bedroom door into the hall that goes to the living room, and I thought that, for a second, I saw something. It wasn’t the tall thing that was following us, and it wasn’t Stan. But it was a figure that looked like a man. I can’t really describe him. The only thing I can absolutely be sure of, is that it has an eye. One eye. That’s it. He saw me for a split-second and just left. I didn’t know what it meant, but I was creeped out enough, so I left before Stan came home."

This. This one worries me the most. The “man” that he describes, with one eye, sounds a lot like Idolon. And if Idolon was there back then, the question comes to mind: How long has Idolon been there, watching over me? And why did he decide to reveal himself to me after I told the awful truth of my update videos in July of 2012? That’s really worrying me. Also, now I know why my ID card was missing, which I mentioned in my 32nd update video. He knew my name back then.

"June 20, 2012: I haven't left my house in a while. Stan just showed a tape on his YouTube page that confirms what I led him to: Connor is WeMustCollect. I'm worried for him, though. Connor is angry enough to take serious action against him, or worse -- one of us. I want to see if I can get Stan to trust me with what I know, because he seems to know enough as well, and maybe we can help each other. I know that he lied about his name, but maybe it was to protect himself. I would do the same thing. And maybe something can come out of this that helps both of us. I'm calling Stan as soon as I can to arrange a meeting. There's a park that's not far from here that Stan visited not too long ago. Maybe we can meet there. I'll see what I can do about that when I can."

This was the day before Kevin was killed in the time of my eighteenth update video. I had set Connor up to kill him so that the thing could take him. Even during the time that I was “bad”, when I was so corrupt by Connor, I would have not had him kill Kevin if we knew he was a survivor like we were. What’s even worse is that, that day, he was going to tell me that he was. I can never take back what we did, and now I feel horrible that Kevin was killed just a day after writing this.

"June 21, 2012: I’m leaving now. I have nothing left to lose and, maybe once all this is said and done, I’ll have a friend I can trust.”

His journal ends there, obviously, because he never came home. Looking through this whole thing, I realize now that the mistakes I made back then were horrible. I knew it before, but this solidifies it. And I think that’s why Idolon wanted me to go to Kevin’s house – to find his book. This is just going to add to my guilt, and he knew that. Idolon wants me to admit the things I had done wrong in the past, and come to pass with them. This was his way of reminding me that I have more things to put into account when I go to the Cellar to confront him.

I hope that this shed as much light for all of you as it did for me. Kevin, Ben, and Beth will be remembered. So will Loretta, Roger, and my little brother. I won’t neglect what I’ve done anymore. I am going to admit my faults. Or die trying.

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